9 More of Our Favorite Vintage Marketing Fails: How to Ruin Your Child Edition

Kids are our future. We’re meant to take them by the hand, teach them how to be good, protect them, and allow them to turn into reasonable, well-adjusted adults. Vintage advertising fails

The marketing agencies behind what you’ll see below apparently didn’t get the memo. Vintage advertising fails

Take the tour through 9 of our favorite vintage marketing fails–the “how to ruin you kiddos” edition!

1. “Lovable Again”

So, Ritalin is fine. Whatever. I’m sure some kids really need it.

But just look that this ad for it.

Not only does the poor kid look like he’s in a 1960s body-horror B movie, look at that copy under the name of the drug:

“Helps the problem child become lovable again.”

Or, put another way: “So, parents, your kid currently does not deserve your love. This pill, however, will take your terrible kid and alter him chemically so that he can become something other than the rightful object of all your disdain, hatred, and abuse.”

Sheesh. History is mean.

2. Baby Razor

I’m fairly certain that you shouldn’t give your baby a razor. Even if it was designed and sold by the titans of intellect over there at Gillette.

Or… I don’t know… maybe I’m just too soft?

Perhaps beginning to shave yourself in infancy was a necessary precursor to a generation later tasked with walking to school uphill both ways and beating back Fascism on a global scale.

3. No, It’s the Opposite of an Idiot Box, Actually

It’s too small to see here, so I’ll give you the deets on what constitutes Motorola’s pitch on why you, Mom and Pops, need to get little Junior a new Motorola TV.

First, TV is great because it keeps little junior from his “crazy day rituals” and distracts him so you, Mom, can cook and clean in peace.

Second, Junior’s grades are going to skyrocket, because he’ll rush through his homework so as to get to his reward of watching TV the rest of the evening.

And three, guess what? “Educators, religious and social workers all agree that TV is one of the strongest forces” in building a strong family union.

So, the moral of the story? You’re a bad parent if you don’t buy a Motorola TV, like, NOW.

4. Gesundheit, Grandpa

You know what little Sally and Gramps over there have in common?

They’ve both successfully cultivated a pretty serious Rainier Beer habit!

When they’re feeling a little down, a little under the weather, nothing brings back that glow of health and that feeling of getting a whole new lease on life like sharing a few pints of beer together.

I don’t see how this could end in any way but “beneficial.”

5. Summer Undies

You know that feeling when it’s summer and your butt is just, like, SO hot?

Of course you do. Vintage advertising fails

Well, fortunately for both men and boys, the Chalmers Knitting Company has things, um, covered.

“Porosknit Summer Underwear: Because you need a thong and it sucks when your butt gets heatstroke.”

6. A Very Bad Idea

Little junior’s birthday is coming up, and you’re faced with a dilemma. You could get him a new bike, or a new red Radio-Flyer wagon, or even a BB gun.

But, do any of those things have the potential for giving little junior an acute case of rabies?

They do not. And knowing this, Hialeah Pets has thought ahead and presented a solution to all your holiday gift-buying challenges.

7. Wolf Infestation

This ad ran in the back of comic books. Which are for children.

Therefore, this giant, razor-sharp blade was marketed directly to children.

So, it must be safe!

8. How Big’s That Box Gonna Be?

Also from the back of a comic book, this seems fine at first.

Little Junior wants to order a bugle, maybe, or a real military radio.

Cool.

But what happens when he’s saved up enough pennies to order that JEEP?

Seriously. I’m asking. How does that work?

9. Mom & Baby Gettin’ Blatz’d!

Is baby a little colicky? Does mom seem to be a little down?

No prob. Blatz has both of them covered.

Mom gets her fix, and “obviously baby participates in its benefits.”

There’s no way this is real, right?

Right?… Vintage advertising fails

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